The Withered, Blackened Soul of Janus
by Hostiledude
Summary: Magus looking back on events throughout his life. A failed attempt at a different style of writing... It's all good, though.
1. A Dark Reflection

I feel that I must tell someone of the events that have recently transpired. I don't know if it can alleviate the pain, nor if it will make things worse, as I will surely be passed judgment upon. Yet this atrocity, I see no other word that does it justice, cannot go unknown, cannot be forgotten in the mists of time, as so many other lesser crimes have been. Here is the burden that my tortured soul was placed under being lifted at last.

I don't remember much of my early childhood. I just remember an inherent feeling of loneliness and sorrow that absorbed into me wherever I went. I was certainly not an underprivileged child, being possessed of certain abilities which made me useful to the Royal family. Not just mere talent, as many of the Enlightened ones enjoyed, I was a sound prodigy with magical prowess rivaled by none. I don't know when my soul began twisting and contorting, eventually to reach a point where I no longer recognized myself anymore, but it was sure to happen eventually. One cannot be born without the ability to hear the Black Wind without their mind being altered in some way.

The Black Wind… I'm not sure how I should describe it. A horrible howling in my ears while I tried to live a normal life. I knew when one was to die, yet had no power to stop it. Eventually I stopped even attempting. Then I stopped caring. All the while, as I lived in this magnificent but lonely castle, my powers increased. I quickly became the greatest magician of all the Enlightened. But this had no power to bring me elation. I sank deeper into my own studies, obsessed with gaining more power but lacking any real direction or practical use for my powers.

And then, the damnable Queen… As much as I tried to stay free of her affairs, it soon became clear to me that the source of the power of the Enlightened cities was not made by the power of humans. It was drawing upon a vast source of power, something deep below the Earth's surface. I remember not how I acquired this knowledge, but I took it to heart and made a journey to the surface of the earth where the earthbound ones were forced to live. Through clever use of a divining spell, I finally saw the monstrosity that my destiny was cursed to soon be entwined with. A giant behemoth, lurking inside a shell covered in giant spikes. The monster parasite that hurtled through space millions of years ago, now lending its power to my cities for no reason.

It was obvious now what the fate of this world would be. And the queen seemed to embrace it. She was not the beneficent ruler that she once was. However, soon after, she built a facility on the ocean floor to gain better access to the energy of this evil being, known to all as "Lavos." I don't remember any of these events happening, but the queen must have gone crazy. She temporarily revived Lavos, destroying a young man's life, and hurling me and the only one I cared about, Schala, into different time zones. Alas, we could not have been together as I would have wished it. As I appeared, just a small child, in this new world of 600 ad, I was taken in by a monster and could have lived happily ever after right there.

Of course, that wouldn't have been such a horrible thing, but those with such power can never just die out peacefully. With my talent, my power progressed further, and soon my adoptive father, Ozzy, became my servant. We set off to conquer the world together. However, that was then only a ruse for trying to develop time-altering powers with which I could search for Schala. All monsters at my disposal, I realized the only way to get back to my old time would be the same monster that I loathed for sending me forward in time in the first place. I would have to draw out the power of Lavos. And to do that, there would have to be a lot of bloodshed. Lavos was not an easy monster to wake.

It was then that I declared war on Guardia Kingdom, knowing there was no way their sparse army could stand up against my massive hoard of undead horrors. At first I celebrated as things went my way, but then I received word that someone was ruining all my plans. This would normally have just caused me to go out and end them myself, but I was running short on time and it was said that these people were time travelers. It was said with scorn, but I knew that I must believe it. Anything is possible with power like Lavos in the world. If my plan failed, then perhaps these warriors who defeated Ozzy at the bridge might offer an alternative method of travel.

But they ruined my plans. By this point I had degenerated to the lowest point in my life. I killed for no reason, enjoyed reports of how much torment my troops were causing to the warriors from Guardia, and even now delighted in the chance to see Lavos once again, the greatest evil ever known. I hated what I had become, but also I loved having this much power. I was unstoppable. Even when Crono showed up with Frog and that one stupid girl I was not scared. A three-on-one fight with some punk kid, a has-been knight that I defeated years ago, and a woman would surely be no match for me.

Then something went horribly wrong. As soon as the Masamune bit into my flesh I knew something was different. Their normally weak magic tore into me as Frog's accursed sword lowered my resistance with its magic. I prepared for death at the end, for the abysmal embrace that would come with my torment being ended. They would not let me die. Those bastards stopped, like they were doing me a favor. Angered at how horribly they were acting, I summoned Lavos at that very moment, driven on by spite. Then I was rewarded by being flung through time just as I had anticipated. And I am not ashamed to have shed a tear of joy when I found myself in the world right before my former self was thrown into the future. My magic fully developed, I made my way to the castle and presented myself to the Queen as a prophet, with every intention of killing her as soon as I got the chance. It's easy to know what's going to happen when you've already lived it once.

It was at this time that I realized what I had done. Having free-reign of everything in the kingdom, I was able to travel to the end of time and see the future. And it was grim, to say the least. The people lived without any modern amenities, lived in squalor, lived with no food. All that kept them alive was a tired enertron machine that really made nobody feel better. They seemed to be cultivating some sort of seed but that was a worthless hope. That fool, Crono, could help nobody. I finally saw what horrible deed I performed. It was my selfish ambition to travel back in time that caused me to revive Lavos. And Lavos was the monster that caused this post-apocalyptic environment. Lavos was the monster that had killed everyone, wiped out everything, destroyed all hopes and dreams.

I had never, even in my wildest dreams, imagine that I could cause so much suffering. They say a million deaths is a statistic, but this was not so much millions of deaths as it was the death of one planet. I destroyed Earth. I knew that Crono had no hope of defeating Lavos. Nobody could defeat that freaky thing. It was just too strong for a human to ever take it on. My soul now enshrouded in darkness, my eyes clouded over and I saw red. My anger burned on inside myself. I could only be angry at myself but there had to be someone to take it out on.

Some more events have transpired since then, but there is hardly any need to tell them as they are merely a repeat of all that has happened in the past. I rest here, on this earthbound hill. The age of the Enlightened ones is finally over, again. Now I sense, perhaps with my prophetic skill, but I suspect not, the true heroes of this story are coming to finish me, the villain, off. Frog wants me dead, for the disfigurement I caused him. Not that I blame him. I won't flee. If these warriors are now strong enough to kill me, I will let them. I do, of course, feel that I deserve it. My only hope is that someday somebody finds this entry I am about to fling through time. I am awake. I am awake. I am vile.


	2. Pensive Mood Lost

Author's Note: Originally, I had not planned to write any more of this fic. I had considered it a failed attempt at adopting a more Poe-like, if you will, writing style. But it seems it was well-received by Crono Trigger fans. I've never been one to let anyone down. This fic, which was meant to be done with the first chapter, I will attempt to continue with the same grace and skill I had hoped for in the first chapter. Thank you.

Horrible events still take place. My shell of a life continues, even after what I thought should have been the end of me. My dark soul, no conscience, no sense of morality or shred of mercy remaining, has not been damned to Hell yet. This all leaves me to wonder. What kind of a Supreme Being would give me a chance to live, while not sparing all my innocent victims? There cannot be one. God is dead.

Must that spiky-haired boy be so kind, so caring, so unwilling to kill? It makes me sick, and yet, at the same time, makes me long for my younger years. I was surely not always the monster you hear ranting today. Others might try to blame unfortunate circumstances for what I have become. I have no illusions about it. My soul is dark and filled with evil. I should be dead instead of at an inn, writing this… When they arrived at the hill where I was waiting for what I thought would be my death, none of the ones I had wronged so badly seemed to have the slightest desire to end my being. I don't understand. There's no way they could have figured out already the events that took place in my childhood. They could only view me as a creature of evil, yet Crono still doesn't want me dead.

How could Glenn not want to kill me? I slew his glorified companion, Cyrus, without a second thought, then proceeded to ruin his entire life by turning him into a giant amphibian. How could one who had been so wrong simply forget all malice toward me? Does he truly believe that my help is necessary to destroy Lavos? I'm washed up. I don't even care if I live anymore. My magic is not really that useful. I don't want this kindness, never asked for it. How can they all be so nice to me? Maybe I'll just never understand. If I told those people from the future that I was indirectly responsible for the pain they've known all through their lives, could I expect the same out of them? Of course not. Then why the benevolent behavior from Crono and Glenn?

I know there's no way I could ever fix the things that I've destroyed, no way to help the future that has already happened. But perhaps I could redeem myself in the eyes of those I have not already killed. Could helping to kill Lavos help? I have honestly been thinking more and more about hunting down my former servants in 600 AD. I know they have not yet been brought to justice. In some meaning of the word, I am still a human. Though I have given myself over way too much to the Dark Arts, my servants were monsters and would never be able to regret their evil ways. If nobody else could put a stop to them, I would be ideal. In fact, I probably would still strike fear into their hearts.

Of course, all of this is just empty. I could never really fix things in my own eyes. I guess the only thing I actually care about is rescuing Schala from wherever she ended up. Searching through time would be a grueling task, but I would search anywhere in the universe for her. Nothing makes me feel good anymore. Even people acknowledging my power no longer holds any joy for me. When I traveled to the end of time, Spekkio, God of War, acknowledged my power surpassed even his. See? I could be a god if I wished. Maybe being a God could help me find Schala. Even as I pen this, my eyes tear up at the thought. These adventurers think they're helping me by traveling with me, but all they've succeeded in doing is tearing up my soul and stomping on it.

I have trouble fighting. It only reminds me of how I used to cut down villagers, kill their family members in front of them, then leave them to live in agony. How many vowed to kill me? Hundreds? Thousands? Possibly. Anything was possible. How many families fell to Ozzy's cruel designs? How many families were cut in half together by Slash's unparalleled swordsmanship? How many families had Flea sucked in vortexes of Hell so they would never be seen again? Just because I have never had a family, does that really give me a right to destroy them like that? It's obvious. I should be dead. Crono is once again messing with destiny, and I long to kill him for it. I should be burning in Hell, Crono, you bastard! How can you do this to me?!

Need to regain my composure, but anger burns at the core of me. If I lose control of my power, I could unleash Dark Matter upon the entire village and kill even more innocents. Such pressure. How could any God place this much strain on one mortal person? I said it before. God is dead. Yes, I've decided it now. I cannot stay with these people. They are innocent. They are nothing like me. I cannot be forgiven. I can't die yet. I must find Schala. My pensive mood fades, anger replacing it. The Black wind begins to howl again. Who is the one to die? Must be the innkeeper or his wife. A marvelous burden, if I've ever seen one. I shall not continue writing. I fear breaking my quill. If Crono ever read this, I'm sure he'd change his mind about my redemption. My death is the only way things could ever be set right.

My ambitions, my pride, all for naught…


End file.
